Destructive Dreams

Tornadoes and Nuclear Bombs

I’m not sure what is going on in my subconscious lately.  I’ve been having dreams about control, or the lack there of and destruction.  I had one dream about the home I grew up in, on Winn St in Jackson Ms.  I dreamed it was being remodeled but I had some concerns about it.  I was worried about it.  The floor was ripped out but not all of it and the roof removed.  I understand this dream the least.

Then there was the tornado dream.  I was afraid of it, it wasn’t that far away and i watched it and some how seemed to know it wouldn’t strike me.

Then there was another dream, a massive nuclear explosion.  I think it was in Mississippi, in the Delta on highway 3.  I wasn’t terrified here either.  Like the tornado dream i was driving and it was at a right angle to me.  Both times on my right side.  I’m having trouble placing the tornado though, it has gone a little hazy on me.  The nuclear explosion dream was vivid and I remember the power beyond of the rising cloud.

These two dreams are about things I cannot control.  Perhaps it is just my newly achieved outlook of being happy with what ever the world throws at me.  i say that now, when things are relatively calm.  But I’ve always been a worrier, trying to address all the potential problems that might crop up in my life.  Great for an auditor or system analyst but not so good for ones social and family life.  Not so good for ones health.

The destruction of my childhood home though is more of a controlled situation that results in a mess.  Maybe that’s about my realization over the last few years that we can lay all these plans and end up causing a lot of trouble and damage to lives while we fight to get to a point we would have been better off never reaching  in the first place.  I always think of Hemingway’s novel For Whom The Bell Tolls when I think of this idea.

When I read that book back in my early 20′s, I got the symbolism and was very impressed with how Hemingway got the message across.  I couldn’t accept it though.  In part, I saw it as anti-Christian.  I had a much more simplistic view of what religion and Christianity was all about then than I do now.  I believed hard work would be rewarded.  A good deed would gain me rewards.  Being a good person would mean I would have a good and happy life.  then life actually happened and things didn’t turn out like I thought they would. :)Nuclear Explosion

Now, I’m more at ease with what comes my way.  Don’t get me wrong. I have not mastered my emotions.  Jessie is much better at that than I am, well she appears to be.  She’s probably doing what I did.  Internalizing a lot of what is going on and just not speaking out.  Like I use to do.  Blaming myself then and I still do that now, but not as bad.

So maybe these dreams were about what I see as growth in my outlook.  Or perhaps, subconsciously very worried about my future.  I hope that’s not it because that’s a kind of self torture.  My pastor tells us that it is like civilized voodoo and I agree.  It is almost like if I suffer and hurt because something went wrong, I’ve proven my sorrow too.  This kind of worry though, it eats at you, we take xanax and yes I take and need mine to help me with these things.  I take things too serious.  Doesn’t make me weak, just part of me.  Heck I’m strong, very strong.

Just felt like I’d change the topic and talk about myself on my blog.  Writing for me has long been a way to relieve stress.  Sometimes I wrote things that should have been destroyed so they couldn’t be manipulated and used against me.  But even the bad things have made me who I am.  I’m not saint, not in the sense of the word that is  usually implied but I’m not devil either.  Though at times, I’m a bit of both.  Reminds me of a Beatles song, “Isn’t he a bit like you and me”.  Only in this case, am i not a bit like you.  Are you sure?  Unless someone has helped you confront your subconscious it is unlikely you know who you are.

That’s another subject, 15 years ago while sitting in church, I wondered, do I even really know who I am?  Or am I kidding myself.  I see others kidding themselves all the time.  I would think I’m too introspective to be totally blind about myself.  I’m not foolish enough to think I fully understand myself though.  Our subconscious guides us in ways we have no clue about.

I’d love to hear you thoughts on this subject.

Tagged with: Christianity • Dreams • Health • My Life • Philosophy

Filed under: Life

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