Faith
Faith and Spirituality
Why can’t I find the words to write here? I’m not certain. My site has been up now for more than a month and I just noticed nothing was here. Is my faith empty? No, it isn’t even confused but it is often lacking.
Lately it has been improving though, but no where near the levels I would like to see it at. I am going down some new paths but exciting paths to me. Nearly everything has become exciting and new.
Everything is new? In a way yes, because I have lost my fear to question my most basic belief. To even intentionally doubt so that I can doubt everything and learn anew and hopefully correctly. This started in December of 2007. It came out of no where but it was a time of deep heartache. My old stormy heart was once again in pain. Like everyone goes through at times. With me though, there are some aggravating factors that can make sad times dangerous. Not in violence to others, that’s just crazy. The real danger is my ability to go into deep depression and stay there for years.
The first change was a realization that faith in God doesn’t mean life will be easy. Doesn’t mean that at all. Paul was tormented by something only referred to as “a pain in his side.” Perhaps it was “thorn in his side.” I’m not sure of the exact warning but the exact wording doesn’t usually matter, nor does the ability to spout out bible passages and citations. There is nothing inherently wrong with being able to do that.
God wouldn’t heal this pain, he told Paul that His grace would be sufficient. When I first read that I just didn’t get it. It seemed so harsh. But I think it is pivotal in my beliefs. Hard times may or may not come but God doesn’t always intervene. Divine miracles are rare. They do happen but they are rare. Can God intervene? Of course. Why doesn’t He always intervene? i don’t know.
People sometimes ask, how can there be a God with such horrible things going on. If everything happens for a reason, why is their water-boarding and madmen flying jets into buildings. Who ever told you that everything happens for a reason? Did God tell you that? If so, where did he say that, how did he say that?
Did God’s plan include pain for Paul? I doubt it. If you have children and are of right mind, would you hurt them? Can you think of anything they could do so that you would cause them unending pain? If God is perfect love as He is written to be, then how could He bring that kind of pain upon us as part of his plan? Will your children be safer if they follow your plan? Does that mean they do?
Does God have a plan? I think it is clear that He does. If God is perfect why doesn’t He just make us perfect and in alignment of His plan. Doing so would make us slaves. If there was no free will we would be in perfect union with God. However we could never fully appreciate that union. If we had no other choice, how could there be joy in that state? I don’t see how there could be. So God allows us to not follow that plan. Even when we try, we mess it up. Mostly because we are unable to keep the commandment Jesus gave us.
That commandment was to love your neighbor as you love yourself. That always reminds me of a John Lennon song. The song is “Imagine.” Lennon tells us to imagine several things, each of which are easy to do. Then he sings something like “imagine no possession, I wonder if you can.” Now there comes the core issue of it all. Everything I own is yours? Do that. Don’t just imagine it, do it. That one is hard. How would we survive if we did that. There is one way to do it. If we all did it. I think that someday we will all do it. In my life time or yours, I don’t think so.
Some of the imagery of The Testament says this to me though. It speaks of “oneness.” How we will all become joined as one. The body of the church will work together for one cause. When that happens, we will have achieved perfection on earth, we will have achieved heaven on earth.
The main new path I’m going down is called Christian mysticism. I am concentrating on Frank Laubach. He puts forth the idea of living in constant contact with God. He also lived it, while he never achieved it 100% he did a lot better than I am doing. However, I’m seeing some reward with it. A week ago when I was doing well with it, I felt the gleeful, joyful love for everything and everyone. Not perfection but it was there most of the time. This week, I’ve not done as well as I’ve been to consumed with my websites and that feeling is not as strong.
If only I could maintain it at all times. I would treat others better, even when they treat me badly. And things would be better if I responded that way. I know a man that has inspired me and sometimes left me in awe. Sometimes left me wondering how he did that, how did he know that. It feels good to be around him. He is soft spoken. He is a preacher, a Methodist Pastor. He is the one that pointed me toward this concept. And many things from the past are now clear to me.
I kept questioning Rick, my friend about how do I know when it is God talking and he would just tell me to train and trust. I kept doing so, not as much training as I need but enough so that I was ready to hear. I’ll give you one hint on hearing if you are seeking. Shut UP! LOL Seriously, you can’t hear if you’re always talking. God probably talks to different people in different ways. For me, I stay quiet and ask God to talk to me. I try not to think about my problems but only listen. I’ll find my thoughts going to a theme in my life or reasoning out something that has been a question for me. I’m doing it but I don’t’ realize I’m doing it and then I go. Awwww, of course. I believe God speaks to all of us! However we are more often than not, too caught up in ourselves to hear it.
I’m not special, no more special than anyone else. I’m special to God but to the world? I’m insignificant as you probably are as well. But to God, you are everything and I am everything. I am wonderful and you are wonderful. None is better than the other before God.
So there you go, that’s where I’m at now. I have joined a social web site about spirituality and started a group about this idea of being in constant contact with God. You can visit the site by clicking here.
So, as I have done most of my life, I have set high goals. And if I fall short I will still have done well. When I was young i dreamed of being rich. At 49, i realize richness can come to a man with no possessions. Still, I can’t give up my possessions. However, I will challenge you to help me get there.
References for some of my thoughts:
http://www.germantownumc.org/index.php/sermons/entry/447/
http://www.germantownumc.org/index.php/sermons/entry/456/
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Hi Rusty,
I knew you had health problems while in school. I even knew about your struggles in college and starting to work for the IRS afterward. I was never bothered that you worked for the govt. Everyone has to have a job, and the govt. has a better retirement plan than most.
I understand what health problems can do, and how doctors behave with people that they have no clue what is wrong with them… I have found out about health problems that I have had for years, only to find out once I take care of one problem, there is still another one there to be diagnosed. It is a royal pain in the rear.
I am thinking that the reason you are able to get off your meds is because you are living a simpler life and in an area of the world where there is less pollution. Wouldn’t you agree?
I am really sorry to hear about George. I’d like to let you know that you did the best you could. Having a pet is a real job, just like children. And you can’t always know what is best for them. And sometimes you lose them.
I always knew you had a kind heart.
Please don’t beat yourself up so much.
May I ask, what happened in 2007 that was so significant to you?
Tammie
In late 2007 I got an email from Rick giving me his sermon for the night. It was Christmas Eve. I didn’t read it, instead I decided to go tot he service.
I had about a million reasons to talk myself out of it. The biggest one being there was a good chance my car wouldn’t crank after the service.
This church, Germantown United Methodist Church, has a reputation for being stuff It is an undeserved reputation. But it was hard for me to go because of that.
Still, five minutes before the service started, I got there. About midnight on Christmas Eve. Nearly as soon as I got there I knew I was going to join and that surprised me even more.
Rick didn’t even know I was there until I walked up to the front to join. There I was in my baggy jeans and t-shirt in a church full of mink coats and jewels. It is a rather rich area of town. Some people in that area are super rich.
Funny the service included the words Faith, Hope and Love which has special significance to me. So that just increased my since that it was time for me to move to this church.
I knew I was about to leave the country. I wouldn’t be able to attend much, if any. I only made it one more time before I sold my 20 year old dying car. It would crank and get me where I wanted to go but then I’d have to wait about an hour before it would crank again! Sometimes two hours.
This all led to a different understanding of God. Mainly that all my flaws and desires didn’t make me unfit for God. I judge myself much harsher than I judge others and guilt about myself would be what separated me from God far more than sin itself.
I even let other Christians convince me that I was unworthy and more unworthy than others. This guilt kept me away.
But I came to understand that God was not promising me a rose garden. He didn’t promise the thorn either but His Apostles often got the throne rather than the rose and God told them that His grace was enough to get them through.
I was going through some really hard times, again. Things could have turned out a lot different. I have a history of getting myself in that state. I know I might do it again. I hope not. I have to be on guard for that.
My entire outlook has changed. By expecting less, by not expecting great times and a perfect life that I can better take the harsh times that will almost certainly come. I was born again, but I was reborn again. Not my first time but just another step in the process.