Living Half a Century
Well, today I’m 50. I’ve lived half my life, you see I can’t stand the thought of not learning any more. Learning is what drives me and makes life good. Love of a woman is also important for me. I suppose if my faith was stronger, I wouldn’t crave for those two things but I do. I just will not accept I’ve lived more than half my life, but honestly, I’m terrified that I have. I’m not afraid of dying. I’m afraid of not living.
I woke up at 3am this morning, the last thing I was thinking of at that time was my birthday. But Jessie, being the loving woman she is, even at 3am said “happy birthday.” I doubt I would have done that. I wouldn’t have been thinking of that at that time. After smiling, enjoying the warmth of her doing that I said thank you.
Then I paused and said, I can’t be 50. She said it is just a number to which I said, it is a disgusting number. LOL She only said “Shhhh.” I wish I could 
have had a big bash at one of the resorts but I’m busted. Jessie’s birthday is in two days and I can’t buy her anything. We have a comfortable life but funds are short. I keep working on that though and I’m mostly happy with what we have. The only change I think I would make in anything is improved health.
I’d like to travel more, more of the Philippines and more of the far east. I hope to go scuba diving. I want to partake in more water activities, sailing, wind surfing and even para sailing. I want to visit the chocolate hills of Bohol and visit the caves and some of the waterfalls. I want to see the orangutans of Indonesia and even the Komodo Dragons of the same country. Some of these dreams don’t seem possible but I still am going to dream them and the only thing that will keep me from this is death. I do plan on doing them. Once I set my mind to something, it usually happens but I do feel like I’m running out of time.
There have been a lot of disappointments in my life. I don’t know if I have all that much more disappointment in my life than anyone else. So many times I’ve heard people say I wouldn’t change a thing. I don’t believe that. We can’t change a thing, once it is done its done. My biggest regret in life so far are my actions that led to the destruction of my relationship with my children. I have no doubt that the separation we experienced was wrong. I have no doubt that I am morally right. I could have done it MUCH better though. I made mistakes and if I had to do it over again, I wouldn’t make the mistakes that allowed people to claim what they claimed.
I did not handle the destruction of my family well. I didn’t handle well learning that my entire adult life had no basis in the truth. The stress was too much for me. My family mattered to me and it mattered a lot. For that, I make no apologies. I was still quite idealistic during those years.
I’ll say again, the separation was unjust. I try not to think about it as it still causes much stress for me. Stress and yes, pain. There is nothing I can do about it now and I will make the most of what every life I really have left.
I’m counting on 50 more years but if it is 5 more days, it is my goal to remain positive about the outlook and continue to build dreams. I’ve got some of my idealism back.
I’m having the time of my life and I plan to continue that. I look forward to having another monkey join our family again. I hope Jessie’s other son will join us.
I’m planning on getting filthy rich, okay, that one is probably not going to happen but I’m still planning on it. Fifty is not as old as I once thought it was. I’m still a kid in mind, its the body that’s giving out. I know I’ve got to loose weight but that may just not be possible for me. No matter how hard I try, I can’t get it off. I could try harder but even I have my limits on determination.
Turning 50 is not as bad as I thought. I wish I could have had a big bash but none of that matters. Instead I’ve enjoyed a quiet day with Jessie, I’ll probably go for a walk with her tonight and just enjoy her and the night. Or maybe I’ll just stay home and relax.
I’m looking forward now, not looking behind at what was unjust or unfair. For a long time, I thought being a Christian would make my life always happy. I realize now that is not true. Life happens and there will be bad times ahead. Faith helps one get through those hard times but where there is life, there is pain. Faith can bring contentment though and it has done that for me. Not perfection, if I had perfection I wouldn’t even want, I would realize I already had everything. That contentment though, it can put you in the frame of mind to make the most out of tomorrow.
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happy birthday
Thanks.
Happy Birthday, Rusty.
Nice and honest reflection Rusty.
Don’t worry, one day FOR SURE we all wake up and realise it is our 80th, no big deal if one are healthy.
We all stay children and have dreams until the last day.
I am 61, feel great everyday and I am still a dreamer.
Enjoy your day and try to do something that you don’t usually do.
The monkey idea is great…
Can’t wait to see him in your familly.
Thanks!
The monkey wont be soon. Someone killed my monkey and I don’t see the point in having another while I still live in the same place.
I didn’t get out but that’s okay. it was a good day.
Hi Rusty – Happy birthday, my friend. My birthday is next month, but you have a few years on me (only a few, though). A lot of what you wrote leaves me wanting to know more, but I also can recognize that the things you talked about appear to be intensely personal, and I respect that too.
Speaking of Komodo Dragons, we see those down here in Mindanao from time to time. As I think back, I remember seeing three of them in the nearly 9 years that I have lived here. One was large – about 6 feet long. The other two were young and small, maybe 18 inches or so. When I saw the big one, I was driving down the highway, and it ran across the road, then along the roadside. This was like 100 yards or so from the beach, near General Santos. It was really a thrill to me to see it. I turned around and went back to see if I could watch it a little more, but was unable to find it.
Again, Rusty, happy birthday.
Wow, it would make sense they would be in the Gen Santos area if they were still here.
They use to think that their bit was full of toxins because of all the foul stuff they ate. It has recently been discovered that they are actually venomous. They don’t inject poison but it oozes into their mouth from glands around their teeth.
They learned this by performing an autopsy on a dead one. There is a great deal of danger associated with them, especially while eating.
I can’t remember, it was either Steve Erwin or Jeff Corwin that ended up treed while he was trying to observe them. Then the thing jumped up at him while he was in the tree. Well as much as a dragon can jump. LOL
Very cool that you saw a monster!
Did you ever see a cobra while living down that way? Hopefully at a distance as the cobras here are the common cobra which are spitting.
Hey Rusty – When we lived in GenSan, we once killed a cobra in our house! :shock:
Hey Rusty,
I tried to write you yesterday but it didn’t go through. Hmmm maybe it’s censorship. I feel as welcome as Rush Limbaugh. LOL So for what its worth here is a belated happy birthday greeting to you. Just wanted to remind you that birthdays are for celebrating and deathbeds are reflection and regrets. Cheer up my friend and enjoy your life.
Thanks.
I installed an ant-so called conservative plugin.
I think the problem was with an anti-spam plugin. Did you get a message about cookies? Bob had trouble too when he told me I turned the plugin off. But I’ll double check to make sure it didn’t get marked as spam for some reason.
Hey Rusty, Just caught up with you over here–I wish I was better with computers… Happy Belated to you and Happy Birthday to Jessie! 50 is just a number and try not to focus too much on the past but be glad for all the blessings that you have right now. You’re making a new beginning with the second half, and not everyone can say that. Just take care of yourself though, we haven’t even met yet, so you have to stick around!
Thanks Queenie, you know one doctor told me I’d be dead within five years. That was when i was 44. :) At the time I was the commanding officer of an online Navy Seals squad (game) and they all told me I was too mean to die. I think they might be right, at least I hope so. I’ll take more mean pills just to make sure.
Yea now it is Jessie’s birthday and I have to be nice to her all day? Awwww that’s torture. LOL
Live is good to me.