50 Years Old

Living Half a Century

Well, today I’m 50.  I’ve lived half my life, you see I can’t stand the thought of not learning any more.  Learning is what drives me and makes life good.  Love of a woman is also important for me.  I suppose if my faith was stronger, I wouldn’t crave for those two things but I do.  I just will not accept I’ve lived more than half my life, but honestly, I’m terrified that I have.  I’m not afraid of dying.  I’m afraid of not living.

I woke up at 3am this morning, the last thing I was thinking of at that time was my birthday.  But Jessie, being the loving woman she is, even at 3am said “happy birthday.”  I doubt I would have done that.  I wouldn’t have been thinking of that at that time.  After smiling, enjoying the warmth of her doing that I said thank you.

Then I paused and said, I can’t be 50.  She said it is just a number to which I said, it is a disgusting number. LOL  She only said “Shhhh.”  I wish I could have had a big bash at one of the resorts but I’m busted.  Jessie’s birthday is in two days and I can’t buy her anything.  We have a comfortable life but funds are short.  I keep working on that though and I’m mostly happy with what we have.  The only change I think I would make in anything is improved health.

I’d like to travel more, more of the Philippines and more of the far east.  I hope to go scuba diving.  I want to partake in more water activities, sailing, wind surfing and even para sailing.  I want to visit the chocolate hills of Bohol and visit the caves and some of the waterfalls.   I want to see the orangutans of  Indonesia and even the Komodo Dragons of the same country.  Some of these dreams don’t seem possible but I still am going to dream them and the only thing that will keep me from this is death.  I do plan on doing them.  Once I set my mind to something, it usually happens but I do feel like I’m running out of time.

There have been a lot of disappointments in my life.  I don’t know if I have all that much more disappointment in my life than anyone else.  So many times I’ve heard people say I wouldn’t change a thing.  I don’t believe that.  We can’t change a thing, once it is done its done.   My biggest regret in life so far are my actions that led to the destruction of my relationship with my children.  I have no doubt that the separation we experienced was wrong.  I have no doubt that I am morally right.  I could have done it MUCH better though.  I made mistakes and if I had to do it over again, I wouldn’t make the mistakes that allowed people to claim  what they claimed.

I did not handle the destruction of my family well.  I didn’t handle well learning that my entire adult life had no basis in the truth.  The stress was too much for me.  My family mattered to me and it mattered a lot.  For that, I make no apologies.  I was still quite idealistic during those years.

I’ll say again, the separation was unjust.  I try not to think about it as it still causes much stress for me.  Stress and yes, pain.  There is nothing I can do about it now and I will make the most of what every life I really have left.

I’m counting on 50 more years but if it is  5 more days, it is my goal to remain positive about the outlook and continue to build dreams.  I’ve got some of my idealism back.

I’m having the time of my life and I plan to continue that.  I look forward to having another monkey join our family again.   I hope Jessie’s other son will join us.

I’m planning on getting filthy rich, okay, that one is probably not going to happen but I’m still planning on it.  Fifty is not as old as I once thought it was.  I’m still a kid in mind, its the body that’s giving out.  I know I’ve got to loose weight but that may just not be possible for me.  No matter how hard I try, I can’t get it off.  I could try harder but even I have my limits on determination.

Turning 50 is not as bad as I thought.  I wish I could have had a big bash but none of that matters.  Instead I’ve enjoyed a quiet day with Jessie, I’ll probably go for a walk with her tonight and just enjoy her and the night.  Or maybe I’ll just stay home and relax.

I’m looking forward now, not looking behind at what was unjust or unfair.  For a long time, I thought being a Christian would make my life always happy.  I realize now that is not true.  Life happens and there will be bad times ahead.  Faith helps one get through those hard times but where there is life, there is pain.  Faith can bring contentment though and it has done that for me.  Not perfection, if I had perfection I wouldn’t even want, I would realize I already had everything.  That contentment though, it can put you in the frame of mind to make the most out of tomorrow.

Tagged with: Dreams • Faith • My Life • Philippines

Filed under: Life

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