Is Effexor Killing me?

The past two weeks have been very hard for me.  I’m not at all myself.  I wonder though,  am I too much of me.   That I am myself now and I can’t deal with myself.  I’m not sure.

I want to start out by saying, I’m not joining the Effexor nay-sayers.  The medication is a good medication.  With all medications, there are serious potential complications.  If I could get pure Effexor, I wouldn’t be having the problems I’m having.  Effexor is a good anti-depressant.  The drug itself is not the problem in my case.

Effexor
What’s the problem?  I ran out of Effexor at the start of the month.  The pharmacy was out.    When I learned I would not be able to get it for five days, I was panicked.  In the past, I missed my dose for a couple days.  Those times, I didn’t realized I hadn’t taken it and I became aggressive, depressed and angry.  Not a good place at all.  The thought of going five days without that medication was horrifying to me.  I can’t express the dread I had.  The fear I had.   I felt like I should be caged and hidden away so that I don’t do anything harmful.  I’m not dangerous, I don’t think anything could cause me to harm someone.  The only exception would be to protect family.  When family has been threatened, I’ve been surprised how I responded.  My bravery surprised me after the event was over.  I am only afraid of what I might say.  I am unhappy with some of my thoughts!

This drug is not addictive but there is something known as withdrawal syndrome associated with stopping it.  Let me explain how these drug work, from a layman’s point of view.  So it may not be 100% accurate but I’m not a doctor and you probably are not either.

Methamphetamine causes the users brain to be flooded with a “feel good” chemical.  I don’t remember the name.   It does this by causing an increase in production of the chemical.  Its bad because it puts too much strain on the brain, burning it out.    Effexor increases the amount of same chemical in the brain.  The difference though is that Effexor doesn’t cause your brain to produce more but rather it keeps it floating around for your brain to use longer.   This results in more of the chemical in the brain.  Effexor also increased the level of serotonin.  A second “feel good” chemical.  Again but causing it to be in the brain longer.  This is how most anti-depressant work.

When these level drops fast, your brain doesn’t like it.  You can become suicidal.  Just the thought of going through it is enough to cause some increase in suicidal indention.   Some become homicidal.  I can understand that feeling too.  It causes me serious problems with anger.  Intense anger.  Unjustified anger.  exaggerated anger beyond what the situation calls for.  I internalize this though.  If I strike out, it will be verbally.

There have been times in my life where I have been wronged, as we all have.  The problem I have is I tend to obsess on it.  I would have to admit. obsessed beyond what is normal.  When that happens, it starts to build an anger in me.  And the anger makes the obsession worse and the obsession makes the anger worse.   So there’s my flaw and it feeds on itself.  I’ve worked very hard on this but to make it completely go away?  Even calling on my faith, my success has been limited at times.   Returning to that state scares me.  I do not want to be in that place.  Being aware of this is the first step in improving.  Becoming aware of this is no small feat in itself.  Most people can’t do that.  So please, before you start trying to take the splinter out of my eye, are you sure your vision is all that clear?  Its really hard to see into our subconscious.  We can’t do that alone.

Anyway back to the medication.   You might ask why I don’t just get back on it.  I surely thought I would.  For the last year, I’ve been itching badly.  My legs and arms are all clawed up.  I break out in blisters.  Its a lot like Poison Ivy.
A few days after I ran out of Effexor, the itching stopped!  I counted back to when I started getting Effexor within the Philippines.   That was May of last year.  Before that, I had still been using the medication I got from the USA.

Cutting Medications In The Philippines

Why would it matter where I got the medication?  There is a too common practice in the Philippines that I  call cutting.  Some where along the line, someone removes part of the ingredients within the capsule and worse, they put a filler in it.  I believe that something was put in my medication that I have been reacting too.

The immediate “withdrawal” I experienced from this outage was nothing like it should have been.  I had and am still having the “brain zaps” that so many people that stop taking it refer too.  They are almost gone now.  The anxiety levels I should have experienced were far less severe than I expected.   After a couple of days, I was like wow, that was fairly easy compared to the past.

When I put the reduced itching together with the less than expected problems with stopping the medication, that leaves me with the feeling that my conclusion are not unfounded.

The itching has been bad.  Since December of last year, I’ve been taking a lot of Benadryl.  Probably four tablets a day.  That kept the itching down but didn’t stop it.  If I went outside, away from my air conditioner, the itching became unbearable.   I stopped going outside.  I’ve hardly been out of my bedroom for the last four months.  I couldn’t enjoy anything.

I had gone from walking 1.5 miles a day.  Now I almost never leave my bedroom!  This has not been good for my health either.  I need to walk, if I don’t, I’m going to die.  I’ll die sooner rather than later.  I have so many health issues.  I’ll see if I can name them.   They include, lupus, an enlarged heart, liver problems  (I rarely drink), diabetes, morbid obesity and hypertension.  I need to walk and I was so proud that I had been doing so well.  Walking also helped me deal with the warmer environment here.

Now,  I’ve been smoking heavy.  That scares me and if i don’t die before I get the chance to quit,  I will.  I started the night I started getting the brain zaps.  That when I found out I was out of Effexor.  Right now, I gotta hold my mental health together.  I’ve had some close calls in dealing with people in the last week.  I finally isolated myself from everyone.  Especially my online friends and association.  I’m a wild man right now.  Its all I can do to hold my unjustified anger in at times or perceived wrongs.  And oh geesh, when I was wronged.  That was bad.

The mental stress is making me physically ill.  I felt very bad much of the last two weeks.

I’m not at all sure I should publish this article.  I know I’m not alone in what I’m going through.  I’m not sure that people experiencing it will comment.  There is such a stigma associated with this kind of thing.  Its worse than being gay in the early 70′s!  I didn’t chose this.  I don’t want it to be this way.  Yet, still, when I’ve been open about it in the past, I’ve been ridiculed.  Having someone hatefully say, “he must be off his meds” is hard for me to take. I didn’t do anything to deserve this kind of fate. If you do it here you wont be posting here again. If you’re that evil that you get a thrill out of it.  Go for it.  Not a lot bothers me.  I’ve been through enough that it is hard to  get to me.  I’m also just smarter than most people and know they don’t understand.  LOL  I’m only half jesting.  I do think I have some insights into human nature that most others don’t have. I got it from lots of therapy.  I got it from looking within and not liking what I saw and then coming to terms with and working to change it.

This article is getting long, so I will wrap it up.  Many of my friends have asked what is going on.  Right now when people ask me how I’m doing, don’t give the expected, I’m doing very well.  I’m not doing that for sympathy or even empathy.  I’m doing it because I’m afraid of loosing friends.  I’ve been here before.  I’d like the outcome to be different this time.  So, I’ve opened myself up.  I hope you don’t cause me to regret it.  To me this is a medical crises.  I keep shaking my head.  I don’t know what else to say and I don’t know how this is going to end up.  I’ve got a  long history of surviving, like most humans.  I suspect I will do so again.

On the upside, wow do I feel alive.  There is a renewed passion and excitement about some things that had dulled for me a bit.  I’d like to be able to just stay off anything.  I’ve tried to get Zoloft.  I have not been able to find it either.  You have to keep in mind, I live in what is little more than a jungle village.  Its a good life but for the last two weeks, it has been hell.  I do think what I’m doing is working, I am getting slowly better.

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