Suicide Threats: How Not to React

How Not To React to a Suicide Threat

Yesterday I posted a video by Peter Gabriel. The video caused me to think about this issue so I decided to write an article about it.  That article turned into two articles.  This is the second article in that series.  The experts say that everyone thinks about suicide at times.  I think it may be a way to tell ourselves that there is a way to stop the pain.

The single worst thing I think you can do is to laugh a suicide threat off, demean them or say something like “Yeah, just like all the other times you said that.”

How Not To React

The single worst thing I think you can do is to laugh a suicide threat off, demean them or say something like “Yeah, just like all the other times you said that.”  You will likely invoke two feelings within that person.  The first may be intense anger.  An anger of, okay, I’ll show you.  If that person is impulsive you may never get a chance to take it back.  The other feeling might be of failure.  That person may really wish to commit suicide.

You are human, you might be in a heated argument with them, your reaction is understandable.  I have done it!  I have laughed it off.  I got lucky.  You may not.

Don’t put yourself in danger.  Don’t get hurt trying to help someone else.

Don’t try to be a savior.  Don’t try to be a knight in shining armor or an angel of mercy.  Its not healthy for you.  Examine your own motives and remember it is very easy to fool ourselves.  Don’t help to feel better about yourself.  I use to try to be the knight in shining armor myself.  Its a very hard role to live up too.  I couldn’t, I doubt you can either.  Not the story book version we were taught as children.   You can be that in the afterlife perhaps but I don’t think you can pull it off in this one.

Never tell someone suicide is the cowards way out. First, you don’t know what you’re talking about.  It is mean, even it were true, it would be mean and a person in that state of mind does not need someone else to be mean.  Don’t give them another reason.

This song though, I think it makes one mistake.    It includes these lyrics:

Don’t give up
’cause you have friends
Don’t give up
you’re not the only one

The may not have friends. The song also include “don’t give up, you still have us.” I can remember a time when there was no “us” in my life.  In this case, someone is saying those words to them so there is someone but in some cases, a person can be so isolated that there is no one.  You probably wont run into those as they have no one.   Don’t tell them they have

friends.  Instead, if you’re their friend, tell them that.  Say you have me.  Though you might need to make it clear what you mean by “have me.”   What you mean may not be what they want.  I think it is more important not to tell them they have friends unless you know they do.

Twenty years ago, when I heard those words in that song, it brought tremendous despair upon me.  There really was no us for me.   Those word made me feel like the only one that had no us.

Don’t tell someone they are not the only one in pain.  Don’t tell them they have it so much better than some starving child in Africa whose mother has aids.   That may cause them to feel weak, selfish and guilty.  They certainly don’t need more guilt.

How to React

If you didn’t watch the video, I hope you’ll watch it now.  See the woman in the video?  See what she’s doing?  She’s getting as close to him as she can.  She’s holding on to his dear life as if it wont be their tomorrow.  I think that’s the best thing to do.  Hold on to them, physically so they will feel it mentally and emotionally.  I spoke more on how to react in the prior article.

Make it known, make it clear that you care about them.  Even if a relationship is over,  in most cases you still care about them.  If you have been in a relationship with them, as painful as it will be for the other person, you probably need to stop contact.  Don’t answer the phone.  Don’t answer emails, don’t answer text.  This one can be tricky but unless they can accept that the relationship is over they will likely continue to put you in a bad spot.  They may be desperate to have that relationship back.  If you can’t be in that relationship, they are not likely to get over you if they can’t accept that you’re gone.  If continued contact causes them to feel there is hope, when there is none, you probably don’t have a lot of choice.  It would be good if you could get professional help with dealing with that person.

You may need to call authorities.   Don’t take this step lightly.   You might have to do it but just be aware that it could prevent the person from every buying a gun.  Are they a hunter?  It can hurt them professionally too.  Its a decision to take seriously and be at least some what aware of its ramifications.

It would be better if you could persuade them to get help on their own.   When they do that, there is no public record of any kind.  If someone checks themselves into a hospital they can usually check themselves back out.  It can be really hard to get someone to see this is the best way to go.  If they need to be in a hospital, chances are very high, they will end up there one way or another.  They will not do well with involuntary commitment but they may live long enough to see it was the only choice.

Whatever you do, treat the threat with compassion and respect.  Even if you do nothing don’t put them down for their pain.   The pain can be to manipulated by others but they didn’t choose to get in this state.  Things go bad, people learn all the wrong ways to cope.  A coping skill that worked as a child can be deeply embedded in someone’s personality.  In their 20′s those methods stop working.  By their 30′s, they’ve made a mess of their life because of it.   Still, they didn’t choose this.  Life is hard, life is not fair they may need some help to understand that.  Its not easy to bring them back out of that.  It can be done though.  I know that things can get better and one can improve on all the bad skills they picked up along the way.

Tagged with: Mental Health • Suicide

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