I Would Change Much
I know you’ve heard people say it. I’ve said it. “If I had to do it over again, I wouldn’t change a thing.” I ask myself, “Are you crazy?” Why on earth would I, or you, intentionally repeat all the stupid and sometimes hurtful things we’ve done?
Rusty Ferguson
Time for a little Rusty Ferguson informal philosophy and psychoanalysis. I am not schooled in philosophy, I do have a lot of experience with thought though. I’ve done a lot of reading on psychology but I don’t pretend to be an expert on the subject. And expert on thought? Yes, i am that. I do a lot of it. I’m a very thoughtful and very deep person.
How can you be sorry for something that you would repeat? Have you never been sorry? If that’s true, you might be a psychopath! Sounds harsh, I know, but a psychopath is someone without a conscious, if there is nothing in your life that you are sorry for, then you might not have a conscious.
Now, I do have to leave another door open Some people might say, I’m sorry for much but we all got through it. Okay, so you’re not a psychopath.
All of us are who we are. A lot of who we are, we didn’t choose. Our genes are a big factor and our environment is another huge factor. We can have some influence on our environment, if we do or not, is in part determined by our genes.
We can work very hard to bring changes within ourselves. Some of the changes we need to make, we can’t even see. So much of what we do is guided by our subconscious. I don’t know if it is possible to become conscious of our subconscious without help from another person, probably a professional. That professional would likely need to develop some trust with us first.
My point is, changing ourselves is very hard. Improving the core of what motivates us is extremely hard. So we are all going through life, doing the best we can to get through. Few of us are truly evil. Few of us want to hurt others but I’ve known a few people that I think enjoy it. I’ve met more that are just to consumed with themselves to be aware they are hurting others.
I’m happy with here I am in life. There are some deep pains in my life though. Some things, I would do just about anything to change I wonder, if I was able to change two things in my life, what two things would I change. I don’t know the answer but its a great question. Really make me think. How far would I go back?
If I could change those things, what would happen instead? That’s the best argument I know in favor of that old “I wouldn’t change a thing” statement. And I think a very valid one. When we think of what i said about being able to change ourselves, would a different choice ended up with.
I think of what was probably the biggest mistake of my life, a letter I wrote that was not intended for anyone but it fell into the wrong hands, perhaps evil hands. Honestly, I think they were evil hands. The letter, it has caused me intense, long term pain.. I shouldn’t say what the letter was, so I wont. The letter might very well be a part of why living in the Philippines works for me, it is likely part of the reason. I love being here but the pain of that letter, it is still very much with me. I’m sure I would change it. I might have wrote it but I would have destroyed it.
In fact, if I could change only one thing, it might be that. It would be that or it would be to change that I never even met the woman that led me to that letter. Notice, I don’t blame her for the letter. I wrote the letter. She didn’t, though I’m sure she enjoyed it. What I would change is writing it or try to change the course of events that led to it. That would, change my entire life. So would changing the letter but I think it would have ended up the same way, just another route.
So would you really not change any thing? If you could go back you would really do it all the same way? I think I would change a lot. I can’t say I wouldn’t end up with a bigger mess than I created but I would try to change it. Perhaps that’s just the control freak coming out in me.
What about you, would you change things? What if you could only change one thing, care to share?
Tagged with: Living in The Philippines • My Life • Philosophy
Filed under: Featured Articles • Observations
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Indeed I would change a few things Rusty, I’ll share with you. I wrote this November 2008, enjoy brother!
I am the image of shame.
Decorated marine of 21 years,
I’m a combat veteran.
Consumed with respect for
Humanity, diversity, compassion and direction.
A humble servant for my country,
Where I’m at today is quite contrary.
I am the image of shame.
Live life to the most was my devil dog cry.
I was first to fight and last to die,
For all I knew was victory.
I learned through pain and agony
There was no sky too high
No sea too wide
No dessert too rough
And no mission too tough.
I am the image of shame.
The wounds of my soul run long and deep.
Just ask the mother and daughter
I put to eternal sleep.
I see their faces in my sleep
Only to wake and continue to weep.
I’m numb to love, yet I know it’s there.
Searching to find it again
Has just been too hard to bear.
I am the image of shame.
How will our country measure a veteran’s pain
Or are all the caskets just in vain?
They judge our performance as such a success.
If they saw our hearts, oh, what a *%#king mess.
Shell shocked, thousand yard stare and PTSD.
Thank God 4 my sweet Valerie.
I am the image of shame.
My sweet little girl is only nine,
It’s been 5 lonely years and I’m running out of time.
If I saw her now what would she say?
Hopefully “come on daddy, let’s kneel and pray.”
What kind of father have I become
If I continue to feel my love is numb?’
I’ve never believed in this artsy fartsy stuff
But with Valerie’s help I’ll be a nerd soon enough.
To my fellow warriors and marines still in the fight
Just know I’m there through the darkness of night.
Please understand I haven’t gone rogue
But it’s time the Gunny travels another road.
Semper Fi!
Gunny, Wow
Most people that have seen combat wont talk much about it. I guess these are the kinds of things people see and sometimes do that cause that silence.
Glad you shared that. I feel much in those words. It doesn’t feel good.
Thanks for your service man….
Thanks for that Rusty,
Years of therapy, a trip to Menlo Park from April -August last year at the National Center for PTSD (Stanford, Calif) has taught me that bad things happen to good people. Or wind up holding a sign in some Metro or pushing a shopping cart with all my belongings, is not something I wanted in my future. Additionally, I was the Chief Instructor for Special Operations out of I MEF Camp Pendleton, for Raid Operations brother. Perhaps by some of us crusty warriors coming out, it can help the younger ones come forward. It needs discussion, it’s a reality of the consequences of war. I will not hide in shame any longer, I’m a good man that’s deserves to enjoy having my life back. Dinner’s still on me too! :) Hi Jess!
Now perhaps you can understand why I’m making the move there. If there is a peace of mind to be found, for me it’s on a beach somewhere there. Three months and counting
Semper fi
Hmm, why you are coming isn’t something I ever thought about.
I’m sure you have nothing to be ashamed for. I wonder what brought it about but not because I think you did any thing wrong. I’m sure you did exactly what you had to do. What you were trained to do. Might have been just crap that happens in war, I forget the term our government uses, I’m sure you know it, probably burnt into your brain. I’ve got a good friend that is eat up with dropping mortars on friendlies during Vietnam.
I know its rare to find a human being that doesn’t judge others. I rarely do. I can think of people I don’t want to be around but for me, even that’s different. I can think of people I don’t like. I have empathy for even the worst of us. I highly doubt you’re in that category.
When the columbine shooting happened, I hurt for the killers too. I hurt for their pain. I don’t justify what they did but I don’t hate them. I would try to stop them if I could but I don’t really even look down on them. I know that’s hard for most to understand.
Now I am not comparing what happened in your case to that. I’m just using it as an extreme of how accepting I am of others. It gets me into a lot of trouble socially. Gets me taken advantage of. Hopefully more in the past than now.
I’ve got some crazy ideas man. Things I use to talk opening about but I don’t any more. I’m a very different creature. I don’t know any more if I’m good or if I’m terrible, I just look at it like I do most things, I just am.
As for your situation, I feel a lot of sorrow, either from you or just the situation, I’m not sure. Sometimes, I seem to feel things rather than just observe them. I should write a story about that. Pretty amazing what I appear to have felt in t he past. Though I’m not always right.
Wow, special ops and training special OPS. Dude, are you a freak SEAL? That would be incredible. I use to be a SEAL, well, only online. A game we use to play. I know some SEALS would get upset about that but we didn’t try to hold out we were seals, I just tried to have the guys work as a team. Wasn’t so easy with an online game where the only blood is virtual and it doesn’t cause physical pain. Just gained a LOT of respect for the SEALS when we were doing that. Did a lot of research, of course, can’t really ever know what’s real and what’s not real when it comes to Special OPs. I know I don’t have a clue but I did get an understanding of the term brother, especially bother in arms. No, not like you but maybe more than most.
I don’t know if I ever had the body to be a SEAL. I’m certain, I had the mental part of it. I also have the loyal part of it. Though, swimming in ice cold water as they do in part of training, damn, I don’t know if I could have ever done that. MMMM, I think I could, where the genetics would have failed me, the will power would have got me through. Oh well, I’ll never get the chance to find out. As I made other choices. It is something I would consider changing. What I learned about the SEALs makes me regret I was never in a position to try.
I look forward to that dinner. I forgot, you’re coming in November? Or that’s the plan?