Since coming back from Bangkok, I've been a bit sick and tired. I hate that I can't do much of anything without having what I think is the lupus fatigue set in. I also had some chest congestion though. Some of the blood pressure meds I take contribute to that. No doubt these cigars are not helping. I enjoy them so much though. Jessie is fussing at me for smoking them too much. I'll probably end up quiting them but I'll have to decide that on my on. They can't be good for my enlarged heart.

As a child, I use to ask myself how do I know what is right and wrong when no one has told me? My answer was some things just seem wrong so there must be some inherent right and wrong. Now I think that come from my culture? Do I pick up on what I see and hear, especially as a child?

Jessie had been predicting I was going to have a rough few days. It is not uncommon for me to wilt like an octopus out of the water once I've had a few days, or even a day of fun, especially if the fun was in the sun. My hair lost its red because I stopped going into the sun, one of my high school friends noted that when we re-connected last week. That is because the sun made me sick. As a kid, a hard day of play in the sun left me with strep throat the next day on several occasions.

A few days ago someone visited this site using the name Mike in Manila. He made me angry and others reacted negatively to his comments. His comment was insensitive and unkind. They were condescending like many people are to over weight people. He post comments as Mike in Manila. Some people emailed me calling hm an "ass" or a "jerk." Frankly, I agree but my response to him was not that of a Christian, well it was that of a Christian, a flawed one. It was not a good response based on the One I choose to follow. That one being Jesus Christ.

I think my response made me an ass and a jerk. So that is my self assessment and hopefully an acknowledgment to myself that I need too do better next time I am confronted with the same kind of thing and will be again. Its not easy to react in the proper way. It is very easy to react in a selfish, prideful way. There are lots of reasons it that make my reaction understandable but none-the-less still unhelpful.

I'm scared. I am having trouble getting one of my meds. It is for depression, obsession, general anxiety disorder. I realized was going to have trouble getting it so I've been tapering off it. There are quite a few lawsuits due to people killing themselves after stopping this medication.

I found one place that I can get a substitute for it but they have been reluctant to ship it and due to a bank charge coming in I don't have the money for it anyway. I spent all of my savings this month to purchase my ticket for my required trip to Bangkok that is coming up but I spent the rest for a fun trip to Bantayan Island. This isn't really about money though its about the horrible withdrawal I'm going to go through.

It is the season of Lent! For me it is a time when Christians try to take stock of their lives and assess how they've been doing and get in touch with the idea that Christ died on the cross for our own flaws. That a perfect being, perfect even beyond human understanding gave for us. That is the us that are not worthy but God gives to us anyway.

The season begins on Ash Wednesday which I overlooked this year. I wish I hadn't and had attended a Catholic service here the Philippines. During this service the priest or minister will use ashen charcoal to "paint' a cross on the worshipers' forehead. It is a solemn ceremony.

I am so hungry right now. I guess I'll just have to get use to it. As I see it, I have two choices. I can either loose weight or die within the next ten years. Per one doctor, I'm already on borrowed time. According to another doctor anything after 55 will be lucky. He did say it is up to God though.

The first few months I was in the Philippines, I lost another 20 pounds. I was doing great until I got sick and stayed sick for a couple of months. But that was two months ago now and I'm still regaining the weight I lost. I have now gained it all back.

Now that I don't live in the US, I think I'm beginning to see the world in a different way. As you probably know, a 24 year old man was killed Friday morning that was working as a temporary employee. It seems that the customers waiting outside for the store to open. Was it to open at 5am? I don't know. The tragedy happened when mob mentality set in and the waiting customers broke the doors down. The results were the temporary worker was killed while trying to earn a few extra dollars for his family.